NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Finally, here some performance appraisal comments in case you deal with employees:

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

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And here something about "Public schools" someone sent me:

These are some of the actual test answers given by students from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A : A small lie.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head

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The following exchanges all occurred in American courts of law. The questions put to those in the witness stand are accompanied in some instances with the responses given by the quick-witted, and usually exasperated, witnesses. (First published in the "Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers' Journal".)

'Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?'

'Did he kill you?'

Q: 'You say the stairs went down to the basement?'
A: 'Yes.'
Q: 'And these stairs, did they also go up?'

Q: 'The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?'

Q: 'So the date of conception of the baby was 8 August?'
A: 'Yes.'
Q: 'And what were you doing at the time?'

Q: 'Were you alone or by yourself?'

Q: 'She had three children, right?'
A: 'Yes.'
Q: 'How many were boys?'
A: 'None.'
Q: 'Were there any girls?'

Q: 'Do you recall the time that you examined the body?'
A: 'The autopsy started around 8:30pm.'
Q: 'And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?'
A: 'No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.'

Q: 'Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?'
A: 'All my autopsies are performed on dead people.'

Q: 'How was your first marriage terminated?'
A: 'By death.'
Q: 'And by whose death was it terminated?'

Q: 'Mr Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?'
A: 'I went to Europe, sir.'
Q: 'And you took your new wife?'

Q: 'How many times have you committed suicide?'

Q: 'Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?'

Q: 'All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?'
A: 'Oral.'

Q: 'Are you qualified to give a urine sample?'
A: 'I have been qualified since early childhood.'

Q: 'Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?'
A: 'No.'
Q: 'Did you check for blood pressure?'
A: 'No.'
Q: 'Did you check for breathing?'
A: 'No.'
Q: 'So then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?'
A: 'No.'
Q: 'How can you be so sure, doctor?'
A: 'Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.'
Q: 'But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?'
A: 'It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.'

Q: 'You were there until the time you left. Is that true?'

Q: 'Were you present when your picture was taken?'

Q: 'Can you describe the individual?'
A: 'He was about medium height and had a beard.'
Q: 'Was this a male or a female?'

Q: 'Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?'
A: 'No, this is how I dress when I go to work.'

'How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?'

Q: 'You were not shot in the fracas?'
A: 'No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.'

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The New Ranch

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

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Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
Recently, Barbara returned to Kuwait and observed that the MEN now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the Kuwaiti women for an explanation. 'This is marvelous,' Barbara said.
'What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?' The Kuwaiti woman replied, 'Land mines.'

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In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

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Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

She wrote the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.

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Adam and God

One day God is thinking about Adam and he comes to realize that lately Adam has not been happy, that something is missing in his life. So, in a voice from heaven, God speaks to Adam:

"Adam, this is God. I see that you are no longer as happy as you once were and so I have a proposal for you. I will give you someone who will love you and cherish you forever, someone who will be at your
side in good times and bad, and who will serve you. This person will bare you wonderful children, make passionate love to you every day, will remain faithful to you and will be your best friend...."

As God has been speaking, Adam has been thinking. You see, Adam knows how God operates, and so he interrupts God to ask a question.

"God, what is this person going to cost me?"

"Well Adam, this person will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam ponders this a moment, and responds...

"God, what can I get for a rib?"

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Passenger: Why is that toilet occupied all the time?
Stewardess: I think the automatic pilot is on it.

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Three lawyers - an American, a Russian and a Czech - went bear hunting in Canada. After three weeks they hadn't returned, so the authorities got up a search party and went out looking for them. At the attorney's campsite, they found signs of a violent struggle. And then, to their horror, they spotted two well fed looking bears lurking near the camp. The rangers shot them both. After cutting open the female bear and finding the American and the Russian inside, they concluded that, in true lawyerly fashion, the Czech was in the male.

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"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."

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Almonds are members of the peach family.

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."

There are only four words in the English language, which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

The longest place-name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupo- kaiwenuakitnatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. (REASON The two upward hands are more like a smiling face.)

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint: no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1 mile away.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was, thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means, "The king is dead".

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of lore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from? Well here it is:
Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship.

In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern.......BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered whatwas happening. After that, bundles of manure were stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water coming into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and initiate the production of methane.

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*
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York City when he was mugged by a gang of snails. When police asked for details of the crime, the confused turtle said, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

*
A doctor tells his patient , "I've got bad news and worse news."

"What's the bad news?"

"You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible!" the patient says. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

"I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.

*
A man and his friend are playing golf. The man sees a funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes and bows his head in prayer. His friend says, "That's the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen. You are truly a kind man. The man replies, "Well, we were married 35 years."

*
A duck walks into a drugstore. Give me a tube of Chapstick," he says, "and put it on my bill."

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following answer:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This leaves two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Baston during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

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CUSTOMER SERVICE COMPLAINT:
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but we got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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The parents of a 5 year-old little boy were concerned about their sons unusually short penis, even for a 5 year old it was abnormally small. So the parents took the little boy to the doctor and explained their concern.
The doctor said there is a simple cure for this condition!! The doctor suggested that the boy should eat plenty of bagels with cream cheese.
Because the combination of both bagel and cream cheese will activate blood flow to the penis and its nerve endings.
So the next morning the little boy woke up and went down stairs to eat his breakfast as he usually does. As he walks into the kitchen he sees something close to 500 bagels on the table. Wide eyed and worried, the boy asks his mom "are all these for me?!" The mother replies "oh no sweety, these two bagels are for you and the rest are for your father."

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EASY QUIZ (Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panamahats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done? Check your answers below!

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2) Which country makes Panamahats?
*Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

What do you mean you failed?

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For Your Holiday Travel Pleasure!!

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P) stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, (S) stands for the solution (corrective action) taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: There is no auto-land installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-pm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine was found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

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Signs and Slogans:

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

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In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

English well speaking
Here speeching American.

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The following are accounts of exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

***

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."

***

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f.ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f.ing bored, not f.ing stupid!"

***

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

***

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (A Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Franfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, so you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."

***

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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Two Hillbillies from Kentucky walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion.

The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there hind-lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it is perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

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A metalworker receives an order from a chemical manufacturer for a number of very large cages. When the man delivers the cages to the factory, he is ordered to set them up in the laboratory. He asks the scientist in charge what he will be keeping in the cages.

"Oh," says the scientist, "we are going to use some lawyers for some dangerous experiments."

"But," asks the man, "don't you usually use rats for those experiments?"

"Yes," says the scientist, "but you know, you get so attached to rats."

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A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

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Dan's slice of wry, Nov 5
Article Launched:11/06/2006 12:00:00 AM PST

SINCE IT WAS announced that Vancouver, Canada, was selected to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, here are some questions people the world over are asking.

Unbelievably, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Web site (frightening when you consider Vancouver is just north of Seattle).

Question: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

Answer: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-FRI-CA is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.

CA-NA-DA is that big country to your north ... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)

A: AUS-TRI-A is that quaint little country bordering GER-MAN-Y, which is ... oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, immediately after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is less than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.